


Return to Me

by Nelioe



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Canon - Book & Movie Combination, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Giant Spiders, Hurt Kíli, Hurt/Comfort, Poison, written for the summer fandom raffle exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 19:40:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4799834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelioe/pseuds/Nelioe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Summer Fandom Raffle Exchange.<br/>Prompt 63: Fili loses his memory in Mirkwood, and forgets Kili. Angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return to Me

**Author's Note:**

> This got longer then I intended and the title is a bit stupid, because I actually wanted to post it on Tumblr but decided against it because of the length and so I had to come up with something. Not really happy with the title... but well...
> 
> Furthermore, I'm not sure if this is what the prompter was imagining, but it is what my head came up with.

 

 

Kíli cursed, shivering despite sitting in front of the fire, but the little tremors rocking his body steadily weren’t coming from the cold but this dreadful place. Mirkwood made his heart race with fear, more than every scary tale he’d ever heard had managed so far. This time the threat was real and Kíli didn’t like it, not at all. He could put on a brave face in front of the others but inside each snap in the branches made him cringe, getting him to look around frantically for the cause. Only Fíli saw what this place did to him, always the observant brother, but the blond wasn’t immune to the strange spell in the air either.

It was the reason why Kili sat here alone, it was his and Fíli’s watch, but he had decided to let his older brother sleep. Mahal knew he needed it. This journey wasn’t easy for anyone, but for Kíli it seemed like Thorin and Fíli suffered the most, although with their uncle it was hard to tell. Kíli knew him all his life and while he had learned to look through some of his masks there was a whole lot he hadn’t figured out yet and probably never would.

Fíli on the other hand was an open book to him and had always suffered under the pressure of his position. Being Thorin’s heir had shaped him into the person he was now. Kíli still remembered the days when they had been so alike that no one was truly able to believe they were born five years apart, since they were acting more like twins. But with the years it had changed. Fíli became calmer and more grown-up and while Kíli still liked to play tricks on others then and again, Fíli had outgrown this stage pretty fast. So when Kíli had spotted the tension in his movements, the shadows under his eyes and what little things had started to irritate him – telling him how exhausted his brother truly was – Kíli had decided to let him sleep, when Bofur woke him for their watch.

He did his patrol around their camp alone, then and again returning to the fire to escape all those eyes he felt were watching him and was more than happy when he was allowed to wake Glóin and return to his brother’s sleeping form. Crawling under the covers Kíli huddled close to the blond, burying his face at Fíli’s chest to hide from the eyes that seemed to be everywhere.

They hadn’t slept like this since Kíli had been a dwarfling, although he was sure Fíli wouldn’t have minded. He was always there, when Kíli needed him, it had been _him_ reducing their closeness, craving for approval of his elders, especially Thorin and Dwalin, thinking that being too dependent on Fíli would refuse it. It was kind of silly, when Kíli pondered about it now, seeing as he’d never really learned to let go of his brother and was only keeping the affection he wanted to show him at bay. And he’d missed this feeling of warmth and safety wrapping him now in a cocoon of comfort. He wanted to go back to being a dwarfling, there hadn’t been eyes watching him and making him shiver even now, but then, as if Fíli had felt it in his deep sleep, his brother wound one of his arms around him, pulling him close and allowed him to forget. Forget what the others would think if they found them like that on the next morning. Forgot that he wanted to appear like an adult, fearing nothing despite the next moment to prove himself was too long in coming. Instead Kíli let himself be lured into a deep and dreamless sleep, safe in his brother’s arms.

 

 

* * *

 

 

What woke Fíli was the weight on his chest, squirming slightly he hoped it would just drop off but it didn’t work. It was strange. The camp was quiet so everyone else had to be still asleep and as much as dwarves liked to joke and sometimes prank it never happened during a watch, being distracted was far too dangerous after all, especially at a place like Mirkwood, so what was going on here? He felt still a bit too tired when he opened his lids, a light hue drifted through the leaves, telling him that somewhere the sun had to be rising. Oh… he missed the sun. He was a dwarf and alright under the stone but this forest… this dreadful place made even the darkness seem scary, an unknown sensation for him.

Groggily lifting his head Fíli looked to his chest and bolted upright the next heartbeat, pushing the person resting on him off. Shocked he scrambled away, his legs getting entangled in the bedroll in his panic while the other awoke with a yelp. Finally freeing his feet Fíli got up and brought a safe distant between him and the brunet, who was sitting up now, gazing at him with a sour expression.

“Good morning to you, too,” he grumbled.

Fíli blinked. Who… where… what had just happened? The other must’ve sensed his confusion for something in his face changed.

“Fíli, are you all right?”

“How do you know my name?” He demanded to know, involuntarily doing a step back when the other got up.

“What are you talking about?”

“Who are you?”

“That’s not funny.”

“Who are you?” He finally all but screamed, fed up with this ridiculous behaviour. What if this dwarf was an enemy? He could’ve been killed during his sleep considering how near that man had been. Or it was this place. This dreadful place, muddling his mind and showing him things that weren’t there. Fíli shook his head forcefully.

In the meantime his loud voice had startled the other dwarves and Nori and Bilbo hurried in their direction, disrupting their watch.

“I don’t know what is going on,” the brunet dwarf began to speak again, taking a careful step in his direction, causing him to retreat even more. Why was no one of the others raising alarm? There was stranger in their camp for Mahal’s sake! “But I’m your brother, Kíli, all right? Don’t you remember me?”

No, he didn’t and Fíli was completely sure that he’d never had a brother. He grew up an only child, just him and his mother after his father had died, a man Fíli had barely known.

“I don’t have a brother,” the blond tried to voice as calmly as possible, although the presence of this _Kíli_ still unsettled him. Besides, Kíli, what kind of a name was this? An attempt to make this charade somehow believable? Why would his mother name a child like this? Why not use the name of her deceased husband or brother or grandfather? It made no sense and the brunet must’ve realised it as well for fear was claiming his features.

“Fíli, come on. You know me! I’m your brother! I’m Kíli! You have to remember me!”

And then he was there so fast that Fíli couldn’t get away in time, feeling hands grab his shoulders, squeezing him tight and shaking him so firmly his teeth crashed together. Something in him snapped, he was almost able to hear a ripping sound and not a second later he gave the brunet a forceful shove. The other stumbled, but didn’t let go, nearly pulling him over in the process.

“Let go!” He roared, yanking at the other dwarf’s wrists, his nails digging into skin, but his attacker didn’t even seem to feel it. Panic flooded through him. This dwarf wouldn’t let go and no one was helping him. Why was no one helping? This stranger was insane!

One of his hands let go, searching for one of the many knifes he always carried, his fingers were already fumbling with the hilt when suddenly Dwalin and Thorin intervened, loosened their grip around the other and dragged them away.

“How can you not remember me? I’m your brother!” The brunet cried, fighting against the hold of the tattooed dwarf.

“I don’t have a brother! I don’t know you and I don’t want to know you! You are not my brother!”

“Enough!” Thorin’s thundering voice erupted, squelching every sound and dousing their camp in silence.

“But uncle-“ The stranger tried anew.

“I said: enough!” And the brunet’s mouth snapped shut, eyes turning to the ground while an awkward atmosphere covered the camp, only the crackling of the fire, his heavy breathing and the awful sounds of this cursed forest disturbing the silence.

For a few seconds nothing happened, then Thorin put a hand to Fíli’s shoulder, a gentle pressure that dispelled the oversensitivity from his panicked mind. His uncle pointed with a nod to the trees of the other side of the camp and Fíli bend his head in understanding, before following their leader, away from curious eyes and ears.

Crossing his arms Thorin examined Fíli expectantly, not even the dawn was able to hide the dark shadows under his eyes, this place wore all of them out.

“I know that look,” Fíli started, clenching his fists. He didn’t like it at all how this forest played with the minds of the company. “But I’m not crazy. I don’t have a brother, Thorin and that all of you act like I do is really worrisome.”

Thorin sighed, obviously not believing him, causing the blond to press his lips together to avoid saying something rash now. He knew that he didn’t have a brother! He just needed to convince the others as well, to convince them Mirkwood was playing a trick on their minds.

“You helped Bombur out of this dangerous river yesterday, Bombur is still sleeping and we don’t know when he is going to wake up, perhaps forgetting your brother is what the river did to you,” his uncle suggested a solution. A solution Fíli didn’t like for it wasn’t making any sense.

“Or it’s this place, forcing us to hallucinate. Thorin, don’t you think I would remember if I had a brother? Don’t you think I would feel it somewhere in my heart?” As if to underline his words he pressed one of his clenched fists to his chest. “But there is nothing. Not even a glimpse. Do you think you could just forget all about Frerin or mum?”

His uncle shook his head slowly.

“You see? I would know-“

“Fíli, I know what you want to say, but-“

“No! I’m sure, all right? I wouldn’t say so if I wasn’t sure. Tell me uncle, can you say with all certainty that you have a nephew beside me? Do you have proof beside your memories? You’ve heard what Gandalf has said, the air of this forest is heavy with illusion, it seeks to enter our mind and lead us astray and I think that is what’s happening. That Kíli can’t be trusted,” Fíli informed his uncle about his concern.

For a while he was only greeted with silence, Thorin eyeing him intensely but the blond met his gaze without fear or doubt.

“The scar on your right arm, where did you get it?”

Fíli hesitated for a moment, wondering why his uncle was suddenly asking him after an injury that had healed decades ago, but he answered nonetheless.

“During a training session. One of the other dwarflings chose Gimli as a training partner, knowing he was too young to be an worthy opponent. He went too far and would’ve hurt my great-cousin if I hadn’t decided to intervene.” And while he spoke Fíli found the answer to his question, his uncle was testing him.

Looking into the eyes of the other dwarf he searched for something that would help him to recognise the intension behind this test, but found only an unreadable expression. At last Thorin nodded.

“Thank you for telling me. I take your concern very seriously and will keep an eye on Kíli from now on.”

The small smile on his uncle’s lips made Fíli sigh with relief.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“What are you talking about? Why should I stay away from my brother? He ought to remember me! How will he, if I avoid him?”

Kíli wasn’t able to understand the world any longer. Thorin’s words weren’t making any sense. If Fíli had forgotten him how should his absence help to get him to remember? If any he should be at his side constantly, to trigger his memories, shouldn’t he?

While the company was busy with packing up their stuff to cover as much distance as possible to stay no longer in this awful forest than necessary he and Thorin were talking about such nonsense. Kíli’s gaze was roaming from Thorin to the dwarves, whose figures the brunet could detect moving in the distance.

“No, Kíli.” Hands squeezed his shoulders, forcing him to turn his attention only to Thorin. But it was hard to keep his eyes on him, when his body wanted nothing more than to return to their camp and talk to Fíli until he remembered him again. Fíli had never rejected him before and Kíli had never been able to imagine how it would feel. Right now everything seemed to crumble inside him and it only needed a light blow to shatter him. “You can’t. I talked to him and he hasn’t just forgotten that the two of you are brothers, he has forgotten you completely. He is sure to have never seen you before. I asked him about the scar on his arm and he doesn’t remember he got it while protecting you when you tried to shield Gimli. He thinks you are an illusion, a creation of this foul forest. If you come near him, if you push him now, he might hurt you and therefore you need to keep your distance.”

Kíli shook his head in disbelief, a burning sensation behind his eyes and the pressure deep in his throat announcing sobs and tears he wanted to suppress, he hadn’t cried for years and it was even longer since he’d cried in front of anyone but Fíli. Fíli had always been there, reassuring him, protecting him, gifting him one of those proud smiles Kíli had always wanted to receive from his uncle. Only now was he able to realise that Fíli’s smiles meant so much more than the ones of his uncle. Fíli had always stuck by him… Kíli had never felt so alone like he felt right now.

“How long until he will remember again,” he choked out, almost letting a sob slip but able to bury it inside for now, his voice, however, broke nevertheless.

Thorin loosened his grip and let his hands slide down Kíli’s arms, before he brought one hand up to massage the bridge of his nose tiredly, sighing like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he confessed. “Perhaps we have to leave this forest and the disease it carries behind at first. Perhaps it will happen sooner, but I think leaving this place as fast as possible is our best chance. Until then, please promise me you will stay away from him.”

Trembling like a lonely leave in the wind Kíli nodded, not trusting his voice anymore and before he knew what happened he was pulled to a broad chest. Craving comfort Kíli buried his face in his uncle’s furs as the first sob erupted.

“I just want my brother back,” Kíli cried.

Thorin held him tight in a way he hadn’t since the archer had outgrown his childhood.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It wasn’t easy to stay away. The whole journey through the forest on this day Kíli spend with casting longing glances at Fíli, who was walking in the front with Thorin while the brunet and Bofur brought up the rear.

When they sat up camp again as the sun set Fíli had never seemed further away, although he was only sleeping at the other side of the camp. The brunet placed his bedroll beside Bilbo, the hobbit glanced at him sympathetically now and then, tried to cheer him up with little smiles, but nothing was working. Only one thing would be able to cheer him up again and seeing how Fíli hadn’t once looked into his direction today Kíli knew it was going to be a long wait.

“Fíli will remember you, you will see,” Bilbo told him when he lay down beside him and Kíli tried to muster a smile, it wasn’t really working, though; the brunet could see it in the way the confidence in Bilbo’s eyes reduced.

He didn’t want to seem ungrateful for Bilbo’s support, but there was a lump in his throat preventing every word from leaving his lips and so he merely lay down as well, the eyes somewhere in the trees he was always able to feel only appearing more threatening now. For the first time in ages Kíli felt exposed to the whole world and its threats. Cold and scared the brunet shivered, unable to sleep that night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bombur awoke but Kíli stayed. Their food rations were consumed, they had lost the path and tried to plead for food by the elves they sometimes saw feasting on a bright clearing, but every time they stepped into the light it went out like a candle someone had suddenly blown out. In the darkness of one of these moments the spiders had come, overpowering them while they were weak with hunger and disorientated.

Fíli thanked Mahal for Bilbo Baggins, otherwise they would’ve probably ended as the spiders next meal. He felt still slightly dizzy and weak due to hunger, venom and hanging upside down for so long, but he didn’t allow it to hold him back while he and the hobbit freed their comrades. Kíli still hadn’t disappeared and it started to irritate Fíli. However, at the moment they had different problems.

Slicing through legs and hairy giant insect bodies Fíli tried to cut his way out of this plight, then and again screaming orders to the company, but it was easy to get lost in the turmoil, spiders were attacking from all sides and although he once heard Bilbo’s attempt to entice them away there still seemed to be far too many.

“Fíli!” The cry came out of nowhere and at first the blond wasn’t able to recognise it over the rushing of blood in his ears, nor why someone would call his name right now in the first place.

In the corner of his eyes a shadow caught his attention, causing him turn around hastily, only in time to see a spider ramming its poison fangs into Kíli’s torso. The brunet was barely able to scream, only a hoarse sound escaping his throat before his sword slipped from his numb fingers. Fíli reacted fast, burying his blade in the fat body of the spider until it went limp and the fangs loosened their hold.

In panic Fíli shoved his arms under Kíli’s armpits and dragged him away from the venomous grip of the insect before letting the brunet carefully sink to the ground. Why had he… why would he… it would have been him if Kíli hadn’t shielded him. His heart was pounding so fast and loud he was barely able to register what was going on around him, his eyes not leaving the brunet as his skin took on an ashen colour.

“Why would you do this?” He demanded to know, voice shaking in the cadence of his body.

Kíli’s finger twitched uncontrollably, while unfocused eyes tried to stay at Fíli’s face.

“Bro-ther,” he wheezed before the paralysing effect of the venom won.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Is there nothing you can do?” Fíli could hear himself ask frantically.

They had escaped the spider’s lair, but they were all still weak. No one had gotten hurt besides a few cuts and the poison still affecting all of them, although no one as much as Kíli. After carefully managing to pull off his tunic Óin had set to work, examined him and tried to help with what little supplies were left in his bag of herbs after all the ordeals inside this forest. However, Fíli didn’t need to be a healer to know that Kíli was in a very bad shape.

The edges of the bite wounds were shining in a sickening purple while the skin around the injuries had turned to an angry red, an extreme contrast to his otherwise pale skin. The blond didn’t like his heavy breathing as well. He prayed the archer was going to survive.

Fíli still didn’t remember him, was still sure to be an only child, but something wasn’t right about it. If Kíli was an illusion of this forest or an enemy using the nature of this evil place to hurt them then he wouldn’t have stepped between Fíli and the spider. He would lie there or perhaps even be dead if it hadn’t been for Kíli and the brunet had insisted on calling him brother. Fíli didn’t know what was going on here, but he was willing to find out.

Right now, however, it seemed like he wouldn’t get the answers he was hoping to gain from the brunet.

“This is beyond my abilities,” Óin told him, shaking his head in resignation. “If it was only the poison, but injected here and here,” he pointed at the holes in Kíli’s flesh. “It might have hit the liver or other organs… if they are injured… there is nothing I can do… we can only wait and see if he pulls through.”

Blinking rapidly when his vision suddenly blurred Fíli tried to shake off the strange wave of emotion that flooded through him. A soft whimpering sound arose from Kíli’s throat just a few seconds later, a faint greenish hue had taken on the complexion of his face.

“Turn him on his side!” Óin ordered immediately and Fíli and Bilbo did as they were told, just in time for the brunet to throw up a thin mixture of water and bile.

Fíli grimaced, feeling a surge of guilt washing over him. But he wasn’t given the chance to blame himself, for Dwalin’s next words froze him with shock.

“Where is Thorin?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They weren’t given the time to search for Thorin, although they realised pretty soon that their leader hadn’t been at their side when they were fighting the spiders, hadn’t even been in one of their nets, for before they were able to split up and look for him elves took them prisoner.

Negotiating with Thranduil hadn’t worked that well for Fíli, normally the blond had his way with words, but his logic seemed to fall on deaf ears when it came to the elves of the Woodland Realm. Still, he was able to get them to help Kíli, so he was counting this as success.

For hours he waited in one of those bleak cells, his comrades near, his mind, however, far away. Wandering to Thorin and hoping his uncle was all right, that he’d met the elves instead the spiders for they at least wouldn’t eat their captives. Wandering to Bilbo, wondering if the Hobbit was out there in the forest or if he’d slipped inside with them with the help of his magic ring, for Fíli had seen how the Hobbit suddenly disappeared after putting on a simple golden ring. Wandering to Kíli, hoping the elves were able to do what Óin hadn’t been able to.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t see the figure in front of his cell right away and when he finally did Fíli flinched.

“Master dwarf,” a red-haired lady addressed him. “Your companion woke and is asking for you. I think it would ease his mind to have you near right now.”

Fíli scrambled into a standing position while she opened the door to his prison.

“Will he live?” The blond breathed, fearing which kind of message the she-elf might be carrying.

“His injuries were severe and he is very weak, but he will make a full recovery if he is given the time to do so,” she told him and Fíli reckoned it was a warning. They shouldn’t do anything rash like attempting to escape or Kíli was going to suffer in his current state, not that Fíli believed the elves would allow them to get that far, he wasn’t stupid.

And so he remained silent and only followed her light steps through wide halls and into a pleasantly warm chamber, sunlight flooding into the room. This place appeared like it resided in a completely different location; it was hard to believe they were still lingering in Mirkwood.

When he spotted the figure in the bed at the other side of the chamber Fíli hurried to the brunet lying under a thin white blanket. Kíli could barely keep his eyes open, noticed the blond through small slits showing the deep brown of his tired eyes and smiled weakly when Fíli put a hand to his brow to feel for fever.

It was soothingly cool.

“Fíli,” the other slurred.

He was alive. He wasn’t going to die. He hadn’t sacrificed himself for Fíli. Tears of relief sprang to his eyes.

“Hey,” he croaked, greeting his saviour.

“D’you remember now?” Kíli asked, his tongue stumbling over the words as his body fought to stay awake a bit longer.

“Aye,” Fíli lied.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
